Very excited to be back after three years of absence and COVID!
Though I've been around a bit (North-Macedonia and Kosovo September 2020, Greece September 2021, Poland November 2022 and back and forth to Sweden and Denmark), I guess this is the first blog-worthy post since India. Not only blog-worthy but almost vlog-worthy, or…some other kind of worthy. Pre-departure-blog-entry-worthy!
In case you hadn't heard or seen it already, I'm going to Vietnam for a month! Woop! The long awaited, desired dream of looking for my biological family is finally coming true! (Yes, I know it doesn't mean I'll find them but the dream was to go back to Vietnam in the first place.)
However, the trip "isn't until" 23rd of March (or only in a month!) but the planning and preparation has obviously already started. Being the last-minute person that I usually am, I booked way later than I had planned (in December…) and I'm still trying to figure out where I want to (and have the time to!) go since I'd also like to do a bit of touristy stuff and I'm hoping to squeeze in Laos and Cambodia. But it'll be tight, and I'd say it's starting to look bleak, particularly with Cambodia (but maybe I can squeeze in Thailand instead...?).
Mostly because I don't know how much time I'll have to dedicate to the search (and what if I find my family? Then how much time will I be spending with them?) so I'm trying to see if and how to best strike the balance between organizing the trip versus being able to be spontaneous and adapt to the circumstances.
I had my vaccination in January. Only needed one, thank God. That's some expensive stuff…! I guess in that sense it's good to take a "long-haul trip" every 2-5 years to keep those vaccinations up to date so you don't have to renew or get them all at once!
And two weeks ago I had to renew my passport.
You'd think that'd be fairly simple. And sure, if I'd travel on my current passport that'd be fine. But I read that my other citizenship has some advantages that my current passport cannot grant me (such as visa-free stay for up to 15 days), and that other passport has already expired. So stubborn as I can be, I decided I wanted/it would be useful to have those advantages despite the hassle around renewing it.
Hassle no. 1: The embassy doesn't issue passports anymore so I had to travel "home" (even though, as most of you probably know, is barely home to me at all) to apply for a new passport.
Hassle no. 2: They only accept valid, national ID's to verify ones identity, i.e. not passports from other countries so I couldn't verify my own identity. My only option then was for a spouse or parent to vouch for my identity. So not only did I have to fly half way across the Atlantic, but my dad also had to take time out of his working day to come meet me and verify that I am who I claim to be. Can bureaucracy get any more bureaucratic?!
So I took an ultra short break to the continent. Found some salsa and bachata and stayed with a friend and met up with dad for lunch prior to the passport appointment so at least something good came of it. Could top up my tea storage as well but not so much else; my trip was so short and I was travelling so light I only had a backpack that could fit under the seat in front of me with me. The reason for that was that I purposely decided that I'm already spending (or wasting?) enough money on an entire flight trip for just a goddamn passport so I didn't want to spend any more on paying for luggage allowance.
(Before talking more about the big adventure, one last thing: I very randomly decided to go to Canada in November. Super excited! Never been. I know it won't be nearly the same scale of adventure but I'm nevertheless aiming at writing about that too so make sure to come check back in again in November!)
So then! Vietnam… Consider this a "pre-departure" (or "pre-emptive") entry. I figure I'll have more than enough to write about the trip once I get to Asia so there won't be any chance to write about all the things that may be needed for context, and/or the things people ask me about when I tell them about the upcoming trip.
Because yes…I'm asked a lot about it. Even before I had booked the trip. Don't ask me how but I ended up telling a woman I was car-sharing with some time last summer about the trip and she was so excited that she encouraged me to apply to be on the national TV-show that they have in so many countries where people go look for some family member or whatever, because (since I didn't really know her) that'd be the only way for her to find out how my search would go, and she "loooved" the show and had watched every single episode, weeping almost every time.
(And in case you really are serious how it came up, she was asking 'how did you get such beautiful brown ish skin?' ......I said I was adopted. You get the rest.)
She's certainly not the first to encourage me to apply for the show. But I don't really want to give TV and the whole audience exclusive rights to the potentially most personal and intimate moment of my life. That's none of your business. Sorry. I can tell you all about it afterwards, that's different.
Some considerate people realize that it's a very personal topic and ask if I'm okay with talking about something so personal, or tell me I don't have to talk about it if I don't want to.
Yes, it's extremely personal but not in an incomfortable way (as long as you have a camera and TV crew stuck in your face along the entire way). Quite on the contrary, I feel like people asking about the search provides a kind of support. I guess that's why I don't mind talking about it; it feels...comforting. Supportive. Encouraging.
Not that I need or don't have support from friends and family that I've told about the upcoming trip, but...I guess it's such a huge thing that more support and encouragement can never hurt.
And funnily enough, "remote" people show almost just as much curiosity and ask so many and the same type of questions as friends and family who are closer to me. Almost everyone asks me to allow them to follow my adventure somehow. So this is it.
Anyway. Here's a short, or if I know myself, long FAQ:
Are you going alone? (This is usually the first question I get from everyone).
Yes, I'm going alone.
Part of the reason this trip was always postponed was that I was thinking I should find someone to go with, and that I wanted my parents to maybe come along on part of the trip. As I've got older and got to know myself better (and travelled and got so used to travelling so much alone), I've come to realize that this is a trip I need to do alone.
This trip is about me. Apart from loving to travel alone, I also won't have the time, patience nor energy to think of or to be considerate of a travel companion. Maybe I'll be sad to know have a shoulder to cry on, or someone to hug and share my happiness with…but for most parts, I think I'll be fine and happy to soak up in my own thoughts and feelings, and still have (some) time to blog.
Do you know anything about them?
No, I don't know anything.
Or well, that's not entirely true… It was true. For like 24 years. (Hey, I was a Vietnamese citizen for 21 years without having the slightest clue about it!) But then mum found some papers she had somehow forgotten about… With questions she had asked the nurses at the hospital where I'm born…and with answers!
So I have my biological mother's name, her approximate age, the neighbourhood she lived in at the time/is/was from and that I was adopted because she was (young and) unmarried.
Mum keeps pointing out that they may be lies but with nothing else at hand, and no grounds to believe that they would lie, I have nothing else to go on.
On that note… For the last 15 or so years, I've always talked about looking for my "biological parents". I believe that's also what my "about me" section says here on the site. However, realizing that she wasn't married probably/maybe also means she is not in touch with the father or maybe doesn't even know him. Hence I've sort of already given up (or rather, I've let go of any expectations) that I'll find my biological parents, meaning both mother and father. Instead, I'm focusing on finding my biological mother and/or"family", assuming that if I find my mother, I'll also find her (and my biological) family, i.e. half siblings and grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins…whatever.
What I have for sure though is my own (Vietnamese) name, my first Vietnamese passport and obviously the hospital in which I was born.
Do you know where I'm from?
Yes, Hanoi.
Speaking of that though, my adopted peers have pitch black hair and darker skin than me. I have black-brown ish hair, and though some people immediately see that I'm "Vietnamese", others (including my mum) say my eyes have a hint of Chinese. I was even asked once in Vietnam if I was from China... So I may have been born in Hanoi but there's in all likelihood some more intricate story behind my background, which is one of the things I'm curious to find out if I find my biological mother.
Do you speak the language?
I wish! But no, not a single word.
I managed a few words and phrases when we (my family) were in Vietnam 16 years ago. That's long gone, though I'm sure/I hope I can quickly get the hold of some essential words again (I guess they say the human brain's ability to learn a new language seriously decreases around the age of…don't remember, but I've definitely passed that age by now, so who knows, maybe it won't be as easy as last time I went!)
Do you remember anything?
Nope. I was within two months old when I was adopted straight from the hospital. I never stayed in an orphanage or anything alike. Hence also why I don't speak the language.
Are you nervous?
...Nah.
I'm excited. I'm not denying the possibility that I may turn into a nervous wreck if I get on the right track...and yes, I'm..."nervous" because I'm nowhere near where I would like to be in the planning and preparation phase...so I guess I'm more nervous about my own last-minutedness, than about the trip itself.
And...as I've said, and most of you know, this trip has been in the planning for so many years. I've gone through so many scenarios in my head: Not finding anything. Finding out that I've outlived my biological mother. Finding her but she not wanting to see, meet or talk to me. Finding her and causing havoc on her life and relationships with her current family. So many things that I know could happen. That I'm trying to prepare myself for.
However, I also know that no matter how well I prepare myself, whatever happens will always hit harder than I could have imagined. Always:
When I turned 18, I was allowed to apply to the Adoption Centre for all the papers about my background. I knew they didn't/couldn't possibly have anything on me, but I nevertheless applied to have the documents releaved. I was the type who had never cried at sad movies, happy endings or whatever...but despite knowing that they wouldn't have anything, I was brought to tears when I read the letter from the Centre, saying they didn't know anything about my background.
Because knowing, or thinking you know something, is one thing. Getting a confirmation...facing the truth...is just something (I don't believe) you can "pre-empt" all sentiments from, no matter how well prepared you are.
Below are some additional thoughts that usually come up in the conversation.
What do I want to know?
I wanted to know why I was given up for adoption. I kinda know now, if those answers from the hospital nurses are true. But then what were the circumstances? Were my biological parents together but...too young to get married? A one night stand? An affair? Something else I dare not even say...? Too poor to care for me? Do other family members know of me? Like did she tell her parents she would be giving birth to a baby? Does the father know?
I want to know my family history. In terms of...when I go to the doctor and s/he asks me: 'do you have any history of family illnesses?'
'I dunno...'
I was last asked by a doctor only yesterday! I jokingly said I might know if she'd ask me in a month's time. And it'd be (such!) a weird change to actually be able to say yes or no, my parents and their parents are/were healthy...or had cancer, or this or that.
I want to know what my parents and family look like. Do I have my mother's eyes? Ears? Father's build? (I suppose that if I met my biological mother, she'd be able to tell me which parts are more like her versus my biological father.) Do I move like them? (Yes, I've heard of family members who move the same way despite having been separated since childhood).
I want to know if I have any siblings, half or otherwise. This is perhaps particularly curious for me because I'm an only child so I've been going through life "alone", or so to speak. Do they look like me? Do we have anything in common?
And probably, in the unlikely (but hopeful) case that I do meet them and get to ask all these questions, I'm sure the answers will only lead to even more questions.
So what's next?
I'm not really expecting to write again until I take off (but never say never) but so I hope you come back in March.
Though I'm mostly writing for my own reflective/meditative and documentative sake, and though it's fun to have readers, this time your reading means even more to me and I appreciate it more than ever. So thank you for reading, from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for supporting and encouraging me to take on this great adventure, and 'see you' in March.